Two years ago, in anticipation of one day serving a mission,I began a deeper study of the Book of Mormon. I wanted to be able to access its contents and use them as a tool in whatever setting, so that I could think of a topic, and without topical guide,turn to a scripture that would address that concern. To do that, I started reading and writing out a synopsis, broken down by doctrinal content and by events. It took a long time, and when I was finished,I realized that it was still too lengthy and cumbersome, and that I had not fulfilled my goal. So I took that abridgement and started abridging it further, hoping to get a succinct enough version that I could then memorize where the groupings of topics were and what stories they were connected to. I was in the process of that exercise when we decide to actually choose a date for our application to be in and an availability date for serving. At that point my study focus changed. We felt an urgent desire to study Preach my Gospel and began on that in earnest while my Book of Mormon study was mostly put aside.
Scroll down a few months. We received our call to Philippines Cebu and I was struggling not just to learn the language but to understand how to deal with the obvious futility of learning this language. Granted there is the gift of tongues, but there is a reason that senior couples often do not learn the language—they don’t get 2 months of intense immersion language training, they do not have a trainer who is master of the language, they are old, with old brains, and in our case we will not truly be immersed in the language. Church will be held in Cebuano, but for the most part, people can speak English, so Cebuano is not mandatory in many circumstances. But,perhaps the most powerful reason I have felt inadequate to the task and resistant to the assurance that it is possible, is the fact that nowhere on our call does it mention Cebuano. The prophet called our assigned language tutor from the MTC to teach in Cebuano, but he did not thus call me. So, though I was giving it much time and my best effort, I had not the vision of, nor even really hope that it would be beneficial or even possible to learn, and so I was feeling frustrated, even damned in my attempts, envisioning a stumbling bumbling conversation that ends in the other person switching to English out of frustration.
Yesterday, as I spoke with our tutor and the dear volunteer who she had arranged to practice with me I fell all to pieces. Marty said something in Cebuano and I had no idea what it was. I couldn’t even tell if it was a question, if I was supposed to answer, or if I was supposed to generate another question of my own. I sat there mute. And they let me, waiting for me to figure it out, but I couldn’t and I just started to cry. I wailed, “I’m going to spend the next 18months mute!” The 2 sisters were most patient and encouraging, citing their own frustrations early on and referring to conference talks. They said all the right things, and I ended up ready to try again and get back on the proverbial (in this case ridiculously impossible-to-ride) horse (remember, I won’t have a trainer or a call). I even was able to send a lighthearted email about it, apologizing for my soppy behavior and assuring them I’d be fine. But I still felt unsatisfied that I’d be able to maintain hope, when none of it was making sense (not the language, but the process/need).
Then this morning I listened to a conference talk that Ian had suggested to me from Priesthood session. I had asked him to suggest something that from his experience as a trainer of senior missionaries would be helpful in my struggle. It was elder Holland’s talk, and it made the whole thing seem so real. He did not address the language problem per se, but he called for an army, and all of a sudden I could picture myself as a soldeer in that army, and I had tools and could craft new ones. It felt VERY empowering.
Then later in the morning, as Dean was tutoring with our tutor,I got on the treadmill and rather than listening to an audible book, I started on the conference talks. Ya, I’d already listened to 1, so a little respite from heavy and deep would have been justified, especially since running is not eased by conference talks so much as by historical fiction. Nonetheless, I had been emboldened by Elder Holland’s call, and I would not be a slouchy soldier, so I chose conference and started at the beginning—Elder Scott on the value of scripture.
My first insight had to do with the story he told of Peter denying Christ thrice, But that is another entry.
As I struggled up the incline on the treadmill, Elder Scott spoke of his precious wife Jeanine and her love of the Book of Mormon, first on her mission in the North West US, then on their mission in Cordova. I wondered if she learned Spanish. I wondered if she felt mute as I do, but he said that she strongly encouraged the use of the Book of Mormon in their proselytizing efforts, encouraging all to base their lives on its doctrine. I wondered how she had done that in a foreign language, certainly she had only rudimentary Spanish if any: her earlier mission had been English speaking, so how could she have been so clear to the people about the power of the Book of Mormon, in a foreign language? And it hit me. That book speaks for itself! No amount of Cebuano-butchering that I do will diminish its power! And I can read it IN CEBUANO!! My study last year has given me better access to the book and that access translates in my own, familiar, English letters into Cebuano!! I can conquer whatever level of Cebuano Amahan sa Langit is willing to bless me with,but it will be the Book of Mormon that will eloquently teach whatever it is I wish to communicate of God’s plans and processes. Oh what a relief that inspiration was. I can now dig into my language study with out the seeming paradox of needing to master what is un-masterable in my circumstances. I can learn for the joy of it, for the love it will allow me to feel and to convey, but not with the added burden of feeling I had to teach in it. The Book of Mormon will do that for me.
Am I still daunted in learning Cebuano? Oh yes. Every phrase I painfully, haltingly put together with the aid of pattern phrases elicits images of ineptitude and frustration. But, there is the hope that I can point to the Book of Mormon and use it to bless lives.
